But You Don't Look Sick...

346 days post-op (or, to round, a year)

It occurred to me today that it was one year ago that I was running around like crazy trying to finalize details and preparation for my surgery. I realized this because at work, I just ordered the new desktop and laptops for the year. I remember the first text message I received when I left the hospital was a picture message from Brandon and Kim showing me the tower of computer boxes that had buried my desk while I was gone.

This year’s computers arrived today, and the plastic packaging smelled very sterile. The smell of the packaging reminded me of the smell in the surgical suite in Chapel Hill. It immediately reminded me of all those post-op appointments early on in the recovery phase. The appointments I dreaded and hated. It got me thinking about the events that have unfolded over the last year. I’ve been thinking a lot about where I was when this whole adventure started, and where I am now. I had hoped this whole ordeal would be wrapping up by now (a year later) and that I would be able to get back to my normal, yet improved life. Frustratingly enough, that is not the case.

I had an orthodontist appointment today. I’ll spare the details because they really don’t matter, but the realization came to me that I am not done yet. There are going to be retainer adjustments for the next 6 months at least. And my dentist wants my wisdom teeth (the ones Dr. Turvey was going to take out during surgery but for some reason decided they weren’t in his way, so he left them) out as soon as possible. He also wants a different type of retainer made for me, so that means more visits to get imprints and x-rays. It’s all exhausting, and the end is not in sight.

When I made the commitment to go through this surgery, and this recovery, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. And I guess I knew it wasn’t ever really going to be over. But it feels like this has consumed so much of my life, for what? I had surgery 346 days ago. I am healed. I do my exercises, but I am at no greater range of motion than I was before this. I lost 20 lbs. after my surgery, a lot of that was unwanted “prednisone weight” and I had hoped to keep some of it off. Yet, 346 days later, I am back to the same weight I was before it all. I still have jaw pain, and tightness when I am having an RA flare. I guess I just fail to see the benefit gained after the hardest year of my life. Yes, my bone structure is far more attractive now. I feel more confident about my appearance with the lower jaw corrections. But even I am not so vain that I consider all of the misery and pain that I went through to be “worth it” just so I can be considered more physically attractive. I did this for a greater benefit, a benefit I have yet to see. Did I become a stronger person because of the trials I had to overcome throughout this process? Not really. Am I less afraid of hospitals and procedures as a result of this experience? Definitely not. So what gives?

I haven’t really put a lot of thought into this over the past 346 days. This is the first time I have really looked back on this year and asked myself these questions. Maybe I will feel better when I know the end is in sight. When I know the orthodontist appointments, and the surgical appointments are over, for good. Maybe then can I take an objective look at the journey as a whole and decide that there was a benefit after all. I hope so.

revoltanimal asked: <3

Thank you. I neede that.

Being an emotional train wreck is not fucking cool. Being a head case because you’re on so many medications you don’t even know what a normal chemical reaction in your brain feels like. Or how about the emotional exhaustion that goes along with dealing with things. It’s hard enough to process complex emotions when you’re normal, it’s even harder to do when you’re in constant physical pain.